Housemanship and orthopaedics posting

I haven't updated about my current life.

It has been almost four month I started my house manship in Hospital Sultanah Aminah. 

It wasn't my first choice, not even in my choice list. 

But there might be something here for me. 

I'm always like that doesn't really care I go. 

I have started my housemanship with orthopaedics. 

Things are tough and dramatic at first

They love drama

I'm not ashamed to tell you I have shed tears in this posting

Even though everyone says it is the chillest posting

But it is still not my cup of tea

The environment doesn't suit me

But not everything is bad for me

In ortho, I've discovered that I like surgical stuff better

I feel alive in OT but not in ward

I have discovered that doing surgery excites me

Scrubbed in and even though being just an assistant I feel passionate. 

Other than that, ortho obviously has been checked out from something that I Co spider to do in future

Maybe the management is direct and clear but I have no interest in it. 

Second, I don't have power and energy. 

Did I tell you guys how painful it is for me to lift and hold patient limbs during surgery. If you're not lucky enough you get obese patient, Rip spine. 

My backache totally disallow me to pursue in ortho. 

Then, you really need energy to pull dislocated limb, to stabilise broken fracture. 

I tried and cold sweat and tears coming out. 

They said when you pursue ortho you body will get buff up sooner or later. 

It isn't something I would. I prefer my soft, weak muscle body better haha

Maybe that's all for now. 

I'm going to transfer out from this department this new year. 

We still don't know what's our next posting. I'm okay with anything but not paediatric for now 

Until then... Sign off😉

Attachment can be detached

It has been awhile and today I feel like writing.
Many things happen since my last post.
A lot of miracle, happy and tears shed these past days.

I never thought of finding someone to be with.
I'm okay with being alone
I treasure my alone time
But somehow one day I stumble upon this one guy.
I instantly feel comfortable and was able to talk about anything with him.
I was honest about how I'm feeling and being direct with everything.
He makes me feel comfortable.
So I thought it was love.
I grown attached to him, really really attached.
I want to talk and see him everyday.
I went to an extend to confessed to him.
Because my mind thinks it was the correct thing to do at that time
At the same time, my instinct feel something fishy about him.
Something was not right.
But I choose to bypass it.
Maybe it was just me overthinking as usual
But it turns out to be something.
He is someone I shouldn't get involved it.
I walk away.
I walk away as soon as I found out about it.
It was the best decision I made.
Maybe it was hard at first
But now I'm glad I make it
And now I blooming.
I'm happy, way more happy than when I'm with him
Because even though I'm comfortable with him
I get insecure.
I get insecure and way more sad and lonely.
I always feel like I'm not worth it.

But now, I don't think so
I'm more than he deserve
I deserve better
I have grown out of the attachment.
I realize that being attached means you can be detached.
It wasn't anything permanent.
and an attachment that feels right doesn't necessarily a correct.
Turns out I was just lonely and someone came and I thought he could fill the void.
But he wasn't what I actually need.
I need me.
I just wake up and realize I lost myself
That's why
But now I'm awake and flying :)