DAY 83: How time flies, and how I grow up.

Moving on so quickly, never stop- time never wait for, never.
When I look onto the mirror, I can see the reflection of myself. My face, my appearance that change with time. Coincidentally,  I'm thinking... Who am I gonna be someday? Now, I'm 19 years, 1 month and 2 weeks old, and this is the current me. Yes, I still have that brown eyes and that thick eyebrow- all of it was just the same, accept for that blemish that haunt my teenage life- that's all. Nothing change, though.

 Back to my sudden question of my future life. Who am I going to be? What am I going to do? My career? My future family... all that make up the question about myself- future me. When I try to look around I can see my adult brother and sisters; who are they now. Their job. Their family *only angah and their family-to-be. All those change that evolved in their life. From an infant to child; child to teenager; teenager to an adult and soon becoming older and dies- the normal cycle of life. Each of us may have the current stage in our life. Me- still in teenage era. Still need help from my mum and dad. Still in 'searching mode' of what am I looking for in my life. Talking about mum and dad. Suddenly a question pop out from my mind.,

" How did they feel when they see us, growing up?"

Well, they have been taking care of us since us was born. Red and still zero about life. They give us love and care. From a small sized little fella, to fully grown up child. Like my sister and brother. Their stage can be said as almost full stage of human. How did my mum and dad seen them. Did you get what I'm trying to express here? They had seen everything about us, how we grow; how we failed and succeed in our life. Those mischievous year of us. Everything... and now I'm just wondering... How it would feel like to see your child grow with their own eyes. Not just that, they actually growing older with us-somehow at different age. LOL. But still I really wanna know what my mum and dad feels, when they see us grow? It must be a hard time to see son and daughter of your, that you have been taking all these while soon leaving you. I mean, not to stay in the same house of yours anymore. Not going anywhere with you-not as always as we used to be. It must be a hard time for them. Yeah, maybe we can't feel it right now, but somehow, someday there'll be a moment we'll be experiencing the same thing that feel when they have to let go us, to lead our life by ourselves-not relying fully on them anymore like we used to be. A sad moment though, at least to me.

Try to imagine this, you're now mum/ dad to your child. You have been taking care of everything from the first day they were born. You see all the 'first time' thing in their life with your own eyes. The first time they called you , ' mum or dad' , the first time they chuckle, the first time they walk upon you, the everything of their first time and you're the one that captured those moment of theirs in your memory. Then you see them grow, from a very small little baby to a child-quite big child. Then, see them in their teenager days. See they pimples that grows on their once flawless face. You send them to school. You share their happiness, when they got good grade in their test, and etc. And during hard times of their life you're the one that they first called. The first one that they rely on. In short, you share every moment in life with your child-together. But somehow, one day- you child will be an adult. And they'll have their own job, house, and family to be taken care of. They are now. doing every thing by themselves. Not like before, they don't called you, " Papa..papa..help me with this..." or " Mama..mama, I can't do this. Please teach me how." and etc. No more 'little child' call for you. And your once a little child now make their own money, living in their own house and even now can make their own decision plus make decision for their own child. They are an adult now- and I can feel a lost here. A lost, that my mum and dad was currently feel right now-maybe? I don't know how they face this.
And one day, I'll be growing up and have my own life. Have my own deciding time, and I wonder how would it be? I feel bad about what my mum and dad gonna feel when I'm not fully relying on them anymore. I don't want them to feel that lost, because I want to be with them forever and be their 'little child' like always. But the time still flies, and I'm getting older. :'(

DAY 81: The Second Trial.

Yeah, the title explain part of it. Today I'm facing my second trial. Second time MUET, speaking test. The test that was great enough to make me shiver and go to the toilet more than once. Totally make blood rise, my heart beats uncontrollably and terrific enough to make me stammer and stutter-like seriously. I don't know why and why... This is my second trial though, I already had the experience before. I know the flow. I know what the question is all about but ...*triple  dot for that.

Or... maybe because it is my second trial? I've face it before and maybe because I know what the situation that I'll face make me expect perfection from me. And absolutely perfection really hunt me, then embed me with those freaking fear feeling that make feel so anxious. Yeah... maybe...? and I don't really understand why I can speak better in daily conversation but have those weird time during my speaking test. It's so annoying!

For this time, I've got new team mates* considered as. haha. Haqim and two guys from Uitm Kota Samarahan, who I really don't bother to know their name.lol. Considered okay, maybe? yes. I speak out loud. I pointed out my point but... I don't know if it's appeared to be okay to the examiner. I hope it'll be okay. Out title was 'the factor that make a  perfect Malaysian' and we're given four point as usual (1) fit Malaysian,(2) fearless Malaysian,(3) visionary Malaysian and last  (4) a patriotic Malaysian. As candidate C, I'm presenting the 'visionary' part and seriously I already forget most of the thing that I present.LOL- Short term memory. But what I know my point is the best factor that make up a perfect Malaysian. Because a person with vision knows what they can possibly plan for the future and this future planning was a good component to have a perfect future Malaysia. Don't you think the same thing with me? Don't you. But honestly I tell you here that three of those guy, reject my point ended up choosing a fit Malaysian as a perfect Malaysian. Fine. Majority speaks louder than minority. Therefore, we ended up our task B discussion, believing that 'a fit Malaysian' make up a perfect Malaysian. *but trust me up till now I still stick to the 'visionary Malaysian'. But my opinion was nothing.Daaa... the only,young lady had to accept the guys opinion. Haha.

 I can't believe this. I'm actually updating my post in CAIS aka Library. It was so not privacy. But I'm doing it. Keyboard-OFF. My IT class was actually starting now. LOL.

#Pray I can get the perfect band that I'd been desired till I was diligent and brave enough to have my second trial.

DAY 78: Keep Faith and Reach the Peak.

"I can almost see itThat dream I am dreamingBut there's a voice inside my head saying"You'll never reach it"
Every step I'm takingEvery move I make feelsLost with no directionMy faith is shaking
But I gotta keep tryingGotta keep my head held high
There's always gonna be another mountainI'm always gonna wanna make it moveAlways gonna be a uphill battleSometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get thereAin't about what's waiting on the other sideIt's the climb
The struggles I'm facingThe chances I'm takingSometimes might knock me downBut no, I'm not breaking
I may not know itBut these are the moments thatI'm gonna remember most, yeahJust gotta keep going
And I, I got to be strongJust keep pushing on
'Cause there's always gonna be another mountainI'm always gonna wanna make it moveAlways gonna be a uphill battleSometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get thereAin't about what's waiting on the other sideIt's the climb, yeah!
There's always gonna be another mountainI'm always gonna wanna make it moveAlways gonna be an uphill battleSomebody's gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get thereAin't about what's waiting on the other sideIt's the climb, yeah!
Keep on moving, keep climbingKeep the faith, babyIt's all about, it's all about the climbKeep the faith, keep your faith, whoa" MILEY CYRUS - THE CLIMB LYRICS 



Yes. I can almost see. The dream I've dreaming all these while. The dream that be the reason for every step I'm taking. I'm moving on by holding on to this dream and keep fighting, I keep trying. Even though sometimes I felt like I can't but I gotta keep strong to reach it. They might try to let me down but believe me... I'm gonna keep strong, holding to the faith that I can. Yes. I can!


I'm moving on but life isn't how fast I get there and ain't about what's waiting on the other side. But it's the climb. The climb. How hard the climb is, no matter how long it would be, just keep faith and we'll be reaching the peak soon. Keep on moving no matter how hard it is. Yeah I gotta believe that sometimes I gonna have to lose because life isn't just about winning but it a combination of win and lose. However, never lose faith on what you're up to,just keep on trying!

I've been dreaming of being a doctor, but I don't want it stays as a dream forever. Struggles, fight, win and lose... I have to face all these up and down. 
It's okay if I'm lose at the middle of the track but I fight back and start it all over again with the faith that in the end, I'll hold it inside my hand. 
It's okay if I'm a bit late as long as at the end I fulfilled my dream.
Let go all those inferiority, bring all those extraordinary.
No matter what happen I can as long as I...
KEEP FAITH. 

I'll make sure in the end, I'll be looking like this. A DOCTOR.
I won't take this as a dream anymore but it's gonna be a reality.KEEP FAITH!

DAY 71: Platinum Rule#1 Don't Lie. I hate liars.

Thanks to Adobe Photoshop CS3 again :)

The first PLATINUM RULE to be close to me is not to lie to me, like seriously because I hate liars so much and I know most of us did.

Why I doesn't regard liar as someone to me?

Because by lying, they show their insincerity towards us and what is the purpose of friendship if you lied to each other, right? 

Pretty little liar.

I hate liars also because they are liars and cannot be trusted. Non-trustworthy people should not be regarded as human. What is the purpose of you lying to others? It is especially when it comes to lie about yourselves. Lying about you? Naaaa... That's lame. Just be the way you are and let the world know the real you. If they can't accept it then let them be as long as you know yourselves then who cares what other people think about you. No need for you to lie about yourselves to look good on others sight. That was so fake! and I don't understand how people live in so-called fake life. 

I hate liars because I hate the feeling when we put our trust on someone, she or he just crush it like it was nothing. *I feel I'm so fool to trust you all this while and you don't appreciate it. I hate liars as much as they disappoint me, and trust me I really hate disappointment. I'm not into the feeling of being sad, worthless when someone I trust lied to me. 

  

I know you understand the feeling when someone lied to you. It's a common feeling that most of us 'must' feel because there's liars everywhere. 

I just don't know why, sometimes I can feel the 'aura' of liars surrounding someone met. I don't understand this but I'm obviously don't like his or her aura that I put my step away from them. I'm sorry. Yeah... maybe it was just my over-reactive sensitivity feels towards someone gesture, posture, attitude that I oftentimes analyzed them as 'cannot be trusted'.  But that's for precaution, right? It's better for me to beware of the possibilities before they become realities. It was the reality that I truly hate it. To be fooled, lied what else? Back-stabbed? Who knows?

Pinocchio. Wonder how would it be if us human  got  nose like his.
Every human tell lies. I'm sure it's very long.

DAY 69: Confident trick#1

Huhahaha... This is to fulfill my promise in my post DAY 23: I'm confident enough!YOU?
It took a long time for me to write this thing.LOL*joke
Only then I remember I had promise you the tips on " How to grow the confidence in yourself."

First.

Recognize your insecurities.

These might be the reason of you being so low in confidence. But toss it off.

In easy word, identify the thing that makes you feel lack. What is the thing that makes you feel you feel uncomfortable or ashamed of yourself? The thing that tack yourself down to the earth. This can be anything from head to the toes thing. It can be your acne, toregrets, friends at school or it might be your past time, the traumatic or negative experience that hold you from exposing yourself. Whatever it making you feel unworthy, ashamed or inferior, identify it, give it a name and jot it down. Don't worry... There's nothing to be feared of. It's you. Just write it down and maybe you can tear off these written pieces to start feeling positive on those point. It's like when you tear all these written insecurities of yours, it was zapped from your life*although it doesn't. Haha. It's just one of the methods to motivate you and it needs so much of cooperation from yourself.

What was this 'tearing thingy' tried to show you are that these insecurities were not everything. It just like the piece of written paper, when you tear it off it signifies nothing to you. You can always find new one and write again. *means that you can make change of that, upgrade that whatever it is. Because it doesn't mean that these insecurities would be with you like forever you can make change though. So, just leave on and if you have the chance, put the miracle in it. Voila'

I just wanted to share you the story of myself. I'm not perfect. Absolutely! My tooth was pretty unorganized *prettily unorganized. Haha. I got this slanted teeth for many years till I can't remember when the first time it became like this. It's truly ugly* you got my word on that. Truly ugly that every time when there's a check up with dentist especially when the doctor was super duper handsome*ignore this, I don't feel like opening my mouth because it's ugly. You got it. Horrible and I'm ashamed. But I've to face it because it's the real me. Yes. I can avoid it for few times but it cannot be covered forever, right? Because every time I wanted to talk I have to open my mouth. Eat, open my mouth. Yawn, naturally open my mouth. So, it's not a thing that I can hide from anyone. So, what I have to do is to face it whether I'm comfortable with it or not. :)

And for few years I've been living with those ugly tooth and participating with a lot and lots of event that had me on stage, like debating, public speaking, coral speaking, reciting poem, presentation and etc. everything that got me speaking, opening my mouth and showing this slanting teeth to others but I don't mind. Why? Because this is the real me and on December 2011 I got the miracle. The braces. Finally, I managed to 'upgrade' my tooth after a long life journey with the slanted teeth. :)

Did you see that teeth. I'm sure it's obvious. So, that the condition when it had brace on it. Awful isn't  it?
Try to imagine how it looks like when it doesn't have those braces on. * I can't find the old me without braces  in my file.

So, what's the purpose of feel ashamed of you? Bring it on, babe! Well, I just don't know why some of you feel so low about yourself. Really don't know. People. It's you. If it wasn't you appreciate yourself then who else? It should be you, be the first supporter of yourself, okay? Don't be bothered about your insecurities because everyone have their one, no one is perfect even though they may look perfect but they aren't. Believe me. This is the truth. It either they hide it very well or we're not that sensitive to detect theirs. :)

Therefore, be confident of yourself and stay calm. No harm. XOXO

* Wait for next tip and trick on How to grow confidence in yourself. Cluck :9

DAY 68:Never walk alone?

This is how 'live a fool' think. I'll change it  too "You'll sometimes walk alone"
*No harm Liverpool die-hard-fan.

Never walk alone?

No. No. No. That's truly not me. Absolutely! Why? Because I prefer to walk by myself rather than walk in a       

group. To me walking alone is rather fun than you in group walking together, going somewhere especially if the place that you are heading to is a stone throw from you.

"Oh Syeikha, don't you aware of that danger that you might face if you walk alone?"

"Are you insane? It isn't safe out there!"

" Syeikha...." 

Bla...Bla...bla...* a lots and lots of version of counseling I ever had.

My mum had once commented me not long ago. At that time she called me when I'm on my way back to my college from library at night, alone. And again free counseling from my beloved mum. Come on mum. The library was quite near to my college, don't be too anxious. It's nothing. I can protect myself well and as long as we believe there's Allah to protect us. There's nothing to be feared of. I'm a tough girl. LOL XD 

haha. 

Ha-ha. This is great.

You might think that I'm such an introvert. Being alone and all that but sorry all you thought need to be cleared off as I'm not that kind person. I'm extrovert. I tend to enjoy human interactions and to be enthusiastic, TALKATIVE, assertive and gregarious but sometimes I need my own space of being alone without anyone else disturbing me. Yeah! Sometimes I would go out in group, hang around with them. Laugh together, keep on eyes for cool and cute things together with them* especially clothes, like others I did all that with my friends. But sometimes I don't feel like to be together with anyone. I just want to be A.L.O.N.E. I do my shopping alone. Eat in my favorite restaurant alone. Studying alone #I do this always. :)

What else... walk alone, jog alone and etc. So, you must understand this. It's not that I want to keep a distance from it just that I want my special time with myself.*Am I romantic to myself. Haha.

I suggest you to try this out. It super cool to do things alone by yourselves. You don't have to set up time with anyone. You don't have to wait for anyone. It's all about you. You can 'date' yourselves without considering the other part of you felt okay with it or not. You take as much as time you need without worrying the other part of you, right? You can independently decide what time you wanted to go back. It's all yours and its super cool!*if it's for me, I prefer to go back early because I hate darkness. Haha. That's why sometimes I prefer to do my shopping alone, because if is it in a gang it is an always for them to go back at night. Well, youngsters... *I'm an old lady. For them, "Night is still young, babe!" That's truly not me. Of course not me. : 3

I enjoy my time walking alone like she does. And it's cool!

However, anything is on you. You're the one who'll decide what are you up to, right? Take a break, have thought, and got hits! XOXO

# I haven't done my assignment yet. Waarrrgh! Mid semester is a nightmare with this assignment....!

I'll absolutely not going to walk by myself at night next time. Haha!

DAY 67:Borrow|Lend

We never stop borrowing and lending.

You borrow mine. I'm borrowing yours. It's the thing that always happens in our life whether you realize it or not it still occurs. 

The thing that I was going to highlight here is 'the responsibilities' to take care others belonging properly, by means in a way that the owner would love it. Some of the people, yeah the know how to borrow something from other however they weren't that responsible to that particular thing until the owner felt unsatisfied with him/her. 

Up to certain situation, we did commented on their behavior but well... you know human, they never take it seriously and if they take it seriously, they just take it seriously, hatred and sayings such as, "Ahh...you're being so stingy, fussy and etc" . Oh...real jerk! When this situation happen it turns out that it is actually us*again. Us! Were the one to be blamed? *What the hell was that? I am the owner*the rightful owner and when I play the role as the real owner then I'm the one to be blamed? For what reason people? Just tell me. For telling you to take a good care of my belongings? * Is it wrong? Oh. Come on... Make up your mind. Don't be silly ... It is crystal clear I'm the owner. I'm the one who buy those things. In sum, I'm the owner! So, where and when on earth did the people said that the owner had no rights on his/her belonging? Huh?

It is you! The borrower should go and have himself or herself reflected on a mirror. Look at yourself. Who are you, before having your forefinger pointing at me? Got it?! 

Ha-ha. Am I too emotional? Suddenly realize it. LOL Syeikha. Over-acting. It's actually not currently happening in my life though. It just what I' thinking. The habit of certain people. Borrowing something but not caring of taking a hold of responsibilities to take a good care of that particular thing that they are borrowing. Took less about what the owner feel when you damaging his/her things. Please people; put yourself in the owner shoes. What would you feel when the thing that you care and love most was spoiled.*not by yourself, it even worse if it was spoiled by others. If you got the feeling, then brace yourself. Take a good care of that thing that you're borrowing. You know what? This world is round. It kept on spinning*(I'm not sure if it's the perfect term to explain), on and on. So, what comes around goes around. What you do now, you'll get it back sooner or later. It's karma thing people. Therefore, take a deep thought of what you're doing. Yeah, damaging others belonging were not a big deal or not to significant for some of us but at least try yourself to make it worth. LOL. XOXO

*You know what if I'm the owner. Me myself hate the borrower who less care on the thing that they did borrow from me.

Maybe we should have the borrowing rules printed out and give it to the borrower

DAY 64: Frenemy! :#

opps! opps!
Don't quickly jump into a conclusion right now. The headlines were absolutely not related to my life__ for this time.
So... Frenemy. What can you understand from this words.
Basically frenemy is word 'friend' and 'enemy' that was blended*I'm not sure whether this term was correct or not, which means one's who pretends to be a friend but actually an enemy. *ala-ala musuh dalam selimutlah tu. Before that I'm glad to mention here that this post wasn't actually 'word of the day' post, okay? :) but can be considered as if you wanted to. LOL

I regard you as my 'best friend'! and what that's means now after you  broke my trust!!!???

This is the first time that I'd run into this word 'frenemy', like seriously!. Thanks to my 'friendship' research just now that I can possibly add new vocab into my list. Haha. The term frenemy might not as familiar as it happen in our life-as far as I'm concern. I'm not used to the usage of this word but I really knew what kind of person was this so-called frnemy. The hidden enemy that we happily regard them as friend however it turn out that he/ she was a rascal. I don't really understand what type of person was these 'frenemy'. Why? Why on earth do you have to back-stab your friend after they honestly declare you as his/hers 'best-friend forever'. Is it a compulsory for you to betray them after the 'love of friendship' that they had present you? Did you? Again. I don't really understand what are the purpose of those betrayer in this world. The crash other's heart , the let down other's emotion, they quisle others trust, for what ? Self-priority? Selfish jerk! *emotional here..lalalala~

It's sweeter when it's true :D

Come on guys! just for the sake of yourself- how can you possibly make use of other's believe. The trust that they did put on you, ain't it priceless- so why you turn it into something worthless? Is it the trust they put on you were unable to make you feel appreciated? Ain't you people? So, what are the thing that can make you feel the absolute appreciation that make you have that fidelity in yourself? tell us now fellow people. Money? *will run out. what else..... cars? *will be damaged etc. all these were temporal. It seems unworthy for me, to be compared with the value of friendship that you forsake just for those temporal cozy that you get from your turnover. Think it deeply. You can develop your own richness with hardship but friend fortune *I mean real-friends were hard to be found. This is not an empty talk from, this is reality. Find it by yourself if you don't believe me or maybe try it out and see the outcome. Learn from your own life and imitate*a little of other's.

For those who'd ever had met those 'frenemy'. Forget them. Those people can't be regarded as true friends there are just fangs that cut wound onto your heart but never mind you can always find "the healer".:)
Friend aren't just friend, they're our confidantes. The one we put out trust on. Smile. Love your friend, appreciate them

If you truly love your friend, you won't be a back-stabber.

#I miss my buddy so much. My twin. Hope you happy there, dear ! HUGS and KISSES xoxo.

DAY 62:Alone in Silence

Silence.
One word describe Kolej Seroja now. No more laughing, chatting echo heard. I can't hear anything accept for the 'meowing' sound of the college settler, the cats. I got nothing else to do today accept for novel-ing, face booking, movie-ing last but not least *lol blogging. Sangatlah bosan. I'm tired of all these activities. Really really tired of it. Sick. Whole day spend all of my time, tacking my eyes to computer screen Absolute shortsightedness lah. If I'm doing my reading, means back pain. Arghh. Lenguh-lenguh satu badan. Kalau tak mengantuk lepas tu tertidur. Bangun-bangun. "Eh??!!dah berjam aku tidur!!!" , sekali lagi pembaziran waktu dalam hidup. Not doing anything beneficial. Truly not helpful for my time consume. Time throwing. The silence was kind of scary-not kind of, but really scary even I've this experience before, was left in college without with me. Selalu sangat stay lama kat college. Kalau balik semenanjung pun selalu antara yang terakhirlah. Sangatlah creepy for me to live here. Nak keluar bilik pun agak teragak-agak. However, if I kept holding onto the jitters, how on earth I can live by myself, alone-isn't it? So I have to, whether I want it or not. :)
The thing that I really hate it, when it comes about the holiday without others in college is, cafe was closed. Damn it! Arghhh.. When cafe was closed I have to walk out *again walk out to Desa Ilmu to have my meal. I don't really mind to walk out but when I got blister on feet every time I walk* everytime I forgot to put my socks on. Then, I call it hell. It hurt so much- the more it hurts when it comes in contact with water. Awww!!! It hurts so much. Credits to everyone who stays in wing BC because of they were at home right now as I can shout as much I want when my feet hurts so much. lol. Release the tense. Haha.
Keyboard off. Time to spend my 'alone' time as well as possible.lol

#oh! this time I've my roommate with me.

DAY 61:MISS| Rindu

One by one they left me behind. One by one flied back to their hometown. Most of them updating their status; " currently in Kuching International Airport(KIA)" , "home soon ....! XD"  etc.
Oh my! Sad. :(
I'm missing my ayah, ibu, puan i.e granny, adik :(((, everyone in my family, like seriously. Miss them damn so much. If I can. I want to go home right now. Now.
HOMESICK. never had one before but now *at this time , I am. Really really want to go back home. Met them and tell them how much I miss them. How much I miss Ibu's cooking.  How much I miss Ayah's joke * even though it's kinda freak-sometimes. LOL, but I don't mind. I miss lovely adik Raudhah. Wanna hug her tightly. Kiss her on the forehead, her cheek. Laugh with her. Oh! I miss them.

Adik yang buat ni in my laptop. I love you to adik.

I want to meet my beloved nephew, Syeikh Khidir. Does he start to walk by himself now? How is he now? Growing happily right now, I think. Khidir, ummi miss you much. Rindunya nak dukung si kecil tu. Nak kiss dia banyak-banyak. Nanti ummi balik kiss ummi banyak-banyak tau sayang.. :)
Janganlah pandai jalan dulu. Tunggu ummi balik baru kita belajar jalan sama-sama eh, sayang. Ushhh. Rindu sangat ni.

Syeikh Khidir on my lap.
Berminat dia sungguh dia dgn seluar 'bawang*' ni
 *nama seluar yg diberi oleh  Syafura and adik.

Bulan April lepas final exam. InsyaAllah baru balik Melaka tercinta. Sementara tu, duduk saja lah negeri orang ni. Jadi perantau *background music :dendang Perantau.LOL

This isn't just a promise. I will!

Rasanya bolehlah gunakan cuti 12 hari ini, pergi jalan-jalan ke.? Tengok Sarawak ni betul-betul. Selama ni, mana ada keluar sangat. Dalam bilik, Dewan Kuliah, Desa Ilmu. Itu sajalah tempat ulang-alik kalau keluar pun jauh-jauh pun with purpose; nak beli barang-barang ke. Ada urusan ke. Agaknya tu sebab rasa bosan duduk Kolej Seroja ni tak. Dah muak bau udara Kolej Seroja sampai nak study pun blur sangat. So, I think I need to go out. At least one or two times. Tukar angin kejap. Perlu sangat. Sebab sekarang ni asal masuk bilik je. Kepala terus blur. Tak sangat nak buat apa. Selalu end up buat perkara tak berfaedah. Jadi sementara cuti ni. Refreshment ! :))
Tak apalah tak balik cuti pun. Sabar sahaja. Simpan rindu tu banyak-banyak dulu. Nanti lepaskan puas-puas once the foundation end :)))
Ayah,ibu I love you so much. Wait for me 2 bulan, 3 minggu, 4 hari je lagi.

Truthfully.Ayah Ibu:))

DAY 60:Finally...it ends.

Our war was finally end. Quite relieve. Huhhhh..* deep breath...
The question was awesome! especially our essay question. Exactly the same as the one that we did in class before this-the same! But the 'melancholy' part #just remember this word.totally forgot about it when I want to express the sadness in my essay.damn! ... is that I know the idea of that particular question but I somehow realize that the structure of my essay*the one in the exam was kind of loose. No determination. It's kind of 'beat around the bush' like I was mumbling in the essay babbling about the deforestation without a clear means. I had the point*actually it was given. but it was not fully clarified, I just explain it on the base and tadaa..! Finish.

I am expecting this reaction when my English coordinator read my essay

 That's the situation for my English paper today. The sentence arrangement was shit. I think I've lost my ability to write an article or and essay in proper manner. The whole idea was a piece of junk as I hate the way I'm explaining the things. No maturation there. It was almost like a little kid's essay. Rubbish!*at least for me. Yes, by means of word used I can get quite*quite yeah good word usage but the grammar organization.? Again.? Please flush away my essay. I totally hate it even though it was written by myself. For grammar I was quite don't really care about it # not much. but for the sentence structure?It's hell! I've really lost my ability write it in versatile way.Like the one I used*for quite sometime... to be. It had a lot of mumbling in it that makes it long - really long but zero! No facts!. Just a babbling. .. I really need to do something with it or else I'm going to die or at least score bad in my upcoming MUET test. Seriously! Make up your writing Syeikha!. Grammar, sentence organization, style of writing * make it versatile-literally! so for your upcoming MUET test you can achieve your desired band 5 or 6. Not below than that! Mind it!
The first thing that I've to do is to correct back my writing style in this blog. The way I expressed my writing in this blog was really childish and unorganized. (Peeps, did you have any difficulties in attaining the idea of my past post.?Are you?Please, comment below).

LOL. That's soooo me!The latest me.-Terrible

I think I really really have to do a change here and to be active back in my reading. Not just read those books that related to my studies, I have to read others though. Speaking. Yes! That's included too. The last time I really really speak English. I mean real English was many years back. Long lost time. Now-not now, the few years back I speak 'rojak' English as a trend and I think it looks enjoyable though.*fool. Now, I have to face the consequence, my English wasn't getting better, it was getting worst-really worst.No doubt.!

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and... what else??!.....Oh! Switch 'on' my mind to catch any newest issue, general information. That may help. Miss the time I would find any article on something, keep it and read it back when I'm free. Use the issue in my essay. It really help me-a lot! and....read the 'high level magazine' not the cheeky, cheesy or what ever style magazine that would make my thinking to be immature. During my primary level I've read the 'high level thinking magazine' that really make me 'advance' from others especially in giving the opinion but ever since I'm in form 4, I've totally stop reading those 'high level thingy' and preferred the 'childish magazine' that had no critical thinking written in it just f.u.n. awww..such a lost...!It's a regret.
I REALLY NEED A CHANGE!REAL CHANGE....

*let's pod-casting! to learn their 'lingo'! So that we can have their accent in our daily pronunciation. Voila'!!!

XOXO

DAY 56:Dari mata turun ke hati :)

Early in the morning post :))
Stayed up. Consired as:)
Wake up at 3.15 am and open my eyes wide till now. Alhamdullilah dapat tahajud sekali.To avoid myself being sleepy drink a cup of coffee, Oreo, and live TV3. Haha.
Belajar pada masa yang sama melayan rancangan yang disajikan#tetiba skema. Layan je lah walau tak best macam mana pun, cerita zaman aku tak matang time sekolah rendah dulu pun boleh pulak diulang tayang time pagi-pagi buta ni. Nak dijadikan cerita pagi-pagi macam ni adalah diulang tayang balik Al-Kulliyah yang lepas-lepas. Lama dah tak tengok Al-Kulliyah kali terakhir rasanya waktu form 3. Form 3 tuu. Lepas tu dah masuk asrama mana nak dapat tengok TV selalu. Sabtu ahad je ada peluang. Tu pun tak layannya nak kena tengok ramai-ramai sesak-sesak kat bilik TV. Kalau balik rumah pun dah tak ada nafsu nak tengok TV  sebab family plus sleep mode 'on'. As a conclusion,saya memang jarang nak tengok TV.
Tapi pagi yang segar bugar *kesan Kopiko Coffee, saya tengoklah Al-Kulliyah ni balik. Sesi pertemuan semula. So, tajuk Al-Kulliyah yang ditayangan hari ketika ini 'Dari mata turun ke hati.'. Mostly it's all about dari mata turun ke hati lah. Menjaga pandangan, walaupun time tengah tengok TV. For instance, we intend to watch TV*alah buat hlang-hilang bosan or penyegar pagi hari macam aku buat sekarang ni. but somehow munculllah iklan-iklan or perkara-perkara yang tak sepatutnya * yang sangat banyak ye sekarang ni. Pergaulan bebas lelaki dan wanita, iklan -iklan yang memanipulasikan wanita tunjuk aurat #iklan shampoo!!!and etc. This thing nowadays we consider it as 'perkara biasa' kit apun tengoklah je lah without realizing that melihat aurat orang lain ialah berdosa.Dush!Dush! Bertepek kat muka kena tumbuk. Allah, kita tak jaga mata. Tetiba, girls muncul dengan semangat "Yes!Thank God we're GIRLS..terjaga sikit" Who says!?? Kalau awak tengok Aaron Aziz#ehm..ehm.. Amar Asyraf*kening.kening macam nak terburai biji mata tu considered as awak jaga mata ke, sayangs-sayangs sekalian???Nope!So jaga mata. Pandai-pandai fikir sendiri nak buat macam mata. Pandang tempat lain ke..Ape ke.
The thing yang buat aku ditemba berdas-das kat hati is that bila part ustazah tu sebut pasal ilmu takkan pandai pada hati yang kotor. Pastu she came out with one story about Imam Syafie. Imam Syafie ni is the great pasal hafazan-hafazan thingy but somehow one day he cannot recite satu ayat, satu ayat je from one surah n.Cuba-cuba pun tak boleh. So, dia pun pergilah jumpa sifu dia * guru. "Wahai guruku, mengapakah aku tak boleh ingat ayat tersebut"*lebih kurang je lah soalan dia ni. Guru dia pun cakap, "Adakah kau ada melakukan dosa pada hari ini. Imam Syafie pun mengingat kembali. Ingat-ingat..Dia cakap kat guru dia. "Hari ini aku ada terlihat tumit seorang wanita secara tak sengaja." Allah. itulah punca dia tak ingat. Baru tak sengaja cuba kita sekarang ni bukan tak sengaja lagi nak disengajakanlah benda tu semua. Bila fikir-fikir balik banyaknyay dosa kita selama ni.Bayangkan budak lelaki sekarang ni berapa ramai *tak yah tanya lagi berapa memang mostly kot girls tak pakai stokin. Kesian kat diaorang, kotor hati. Girls pulak berapa ramai lelaki yang pakai short pastu buat pameran extravaganza. Dosa lagi .Astagfirullah ...Patutlah susah ilmu nak masuk. Banyak benda tak baik kita tengok kat TV, kat kedai, kat kelas, kat mana-mana je lah.Macam mana hati tu nak bersih.:(((

Wahai Lelaki Beriman, Tundukkanlah Pandanganmu dan Peliharalah Kemaluanmu Kerana Ia Lebih Suci Buat Kamu Dan Ingatlah Bahawa Allah Sentiasa Melihat Apa Yang Kamu Lakukan

Allah berfirman,"Katakanlah kepada orang laki-laki yang beriman: "Hendaklah mereka menahan pandanganya, dan memelihara kemaluannya; yang demikian itu adalah lebih suci bagi mereka, sesungguhnya Allah Maha Mengetahui apa yang mereka perbuat." (An-Nuur 24:30)

Wahai Wanita Beriman, Tutuplah Auratmu Dgn Sempurna Dengan Menutupi Dada dan Juga Menutup Seluruh Badan Dengan Pakaian Yang Longgar Serta Tidak Berwangi-Wangian. Nescaya Allah Pasti Menyelamatkah Kamu Dari Gangguan Manusia

Allah berfirman,"Katakanlah kepada wanita yang beriman: "Hendaklah mereka menahan pandangannya, dan kemaluannya, dan janganlah mereka menampakkan perhiasannya, kecuali yang (biasa) nampak dari padanya. Dan hendaklah mereka menutupkan kain kudung kedadanya, dan janganlah menampakkan perhiasannya"(An-Nuur 24:31)

Allah berfirman,"Hai Nabi, katakanlah kepada isteri-isterimu, anak-anak perempuanmu dan isteri-isteri orang mukmin: "Hendaklah mereka mengulurkan jilbabnya ke seluruh tubuh mereka." Yang demikian itu supaya mereka lebih mudah untuk dikenal, karena itu mereka tidak di ganggu. Dan Allah adalah Maha Pengampun lagi Maha Penyayang"(Al-Ahzzab 33:59)

Rasulullah shallallahu 'alaihi wasallam bersabda:“Sesiapapun wanita yang memakai wangian lalu dia melintas di hadapan lelaki supaya mereka dapat menghidu kewangiannya, dia adalah penzina.” [Diriwayatkan oleh al-Nasai dan dinilai hasan oleh al-Albani di dalam Shahih Sunan al-Nasai – hadis no: 5141]
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Du'a::: Amalkan selalu moga bermanfaat

رَسُولَ اللَّهِ يقول من قال
بِسْمِ اللَّهِ الذي لَا يَضُرُّ مع اسْمِهِ شَيْءٌ في الأرض ولا في السَّمَاءِ وهو السَّمِيعُ الْعَلِيمُ

ثَلَاثَ مَرَّاتٍ لم تُصِبْهُ فَجْأَةُ بَلَاءٍ حتى يُصْبِحَ وَمَنْ قَالَهَا حين يُصْبِحُ ثَلَاثُ مَرَّاتٍ لم تُصِبْهُ فَجْأَةُ بَلَاءٍ حتى يُمْسِيَ

Ertinya : Rasulullah s.a.w didengari berkata sesiapa yang berdoa : "Dengan nama Allah yang tiada dimudaratkan sesuatu apapun dengan namaNya samada di bumi dan di langit, dan Dialah maha mendengar dan maha mengetahui" sebanyak 3 kali, maka ia tidak ditimpa kesusahan bala dan musibah sehinggalah subuh esoknya, dan barangsiapa membacanya ketika subuh 3 kali, ia tidak ditimpa kesusahan bala dan musibah sehingga petangnya" ( Riwayat Abu Daud, 4/323 ; At-Tirmidizi, 5/465 dan Ahmad ; Tirmizi : Hasan - Teks doa berwarna Merah Syeikh Syuaib ; Hasan)

DAY 49:I'm static

It's getting hard and it's hard to tell. What I felt right now. Helpless. I can't do anything about myself. Felt so low and lost. I don't know which path should I take. What should I do? I can feel the burden was hanging around me all day. I want to make a change but it's hard. I feel like something tied me up. Stop me from doing anything. Even the desire that was burning inside, can't fight it. I wanted to- fight 'em back, still I can't. I'm becoming so helpless. Few trials doesn't result anything still I'm in the same place. Not moving. I can see everything around me evolving-moving leaving me behind. I tried to make a step forward. One or two might be enough for me but I can't. I can feel that when I tried to take the step, my foot can't even move-like it was glued tightly. I'm still here, no change- the same and can't even make a tiny change of myself right now. Static .

# I shall stop myself from thinking when I'm gonna start, and start re-thinking how I'm gonna start it back and      
focus on the plan that I'm going to renew. I really need a fresh new plan.

DAY 47:Sayangnya kita tak pernah tahu atau tak ambil tahu:(

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Kita sering mengharapkan kemaafan dari manusia tetapi tak pernah teringat akan kemaafan Illahi. Memohon kemaafan kepada sesama manusia yang dikasihi dengan cara yang kita rasa paling terbaik untuk menawan hati mereka yang telah kita sakiti walau sesukar mana pun kita tetap mencuba tapi malangnya kita tak pernah memikirkan bagaimana untuk memohon kemaafan daripada Allah walaupun telah Dia tunjukkan cara yang paling mudah. Berdoa kepadanya memohon keampunan daripadaNya tak pun Solat Sunat Taubat dua rakaat. Itu pun hati kita masih liat kenyal. Betapa ruginya kita Sang pencinta telah menjanjikan kemaafannya andainya hambanya meminta. :(

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Saat kekasih pujaan hati seakan jauh menyepi semakin hari semakin jauh pergi. Kita merintih memohon agar jangan dirinya pergi meninggalkan kita. Tangisan berlagu melankoli cukup menyayat hati, tapi dalam kesedihan yang dialami kita lupa sebenarnya kita telah kehilangan sesuatu yang lebih berharga daripada si kekasih yang meninggalkan kita. Allah. Saat kita sibuk mengenang nasib ditinggalkan kita lupa pemilik kita yang tak pernah meninggalkan kita. Tak pernah pergi jauh daripada kita, sentiasa ada disaat bahagia kita mahupun disaat hati dirundung sayu. Malangnya, tetap kita sibuk mengejar mereka yang bila-bila masa boleh pergi meninggalkan kita.:(

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Setiap hari diri dikejar masalah yang tak pernah henti menjadi bayang gelap hidup kita. Hati resah, minda bingung. Bagaimanakah caranya untuk aku selesaikan masalah ini terus menjadi persoalan kita. Kadang-kadang kebuntuan itu membuat kita menyesali kehidupa di dunia ini. Menyalakan takdir hidup yang terumbang-ambing. Sibuk memikirkan jalan keluar masalah yang menghantui, membuatkan kita terlupa bahawa Allah ada. Allah takkan pernah berhenti membantu hambanya yang meminta. Hambanya yang merayu bantuan daripada, kerana Allah itu Maha Mengasihani tak mungkin Dia akan tidak mempedulikan hambanya yang tiap harinya merintih memohon petunjuk daripadanya. Tapi... sayangnya kita terlupa lagi akannya. Ruginya kita :(

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Kita melakar impian hari esok. Cantik sungguh perancangannya. Apa pun yang terjadi impian itu mesti ditunaikan. Apa jua pun yang berlaku. Waktu bergerak seiring, tak disangka perancangan itu ada onak dan durinya, dan terkadang panas dijangka hingga ke petang, sayangnya hujan ditengah hari. Tak terduga. Puas merancang tapi terpincang. Dan kalaupun ianya berjalan cantik seperti yang diatur ada sahaja jalan-jalan hitam yang kita lalui. Tak kisah halal dan haram asalkan panah tepat pada sasarannya. Jahat atau tidak bukan permasalahnnya yang penting habuan kemudian harinya. Tapi siapa sangka sekelip mata tingkat kejayaan yang kita kecapi ditarik jatuh berdebuk ke tanah. Semuanya hilang sekelip mata. Kenapa? Kerana jalan hitam yang kita lalui terdedah kepada umum. Kejahatan yang kita lakukan dulu disuluh terang. Malu. Penyesalan. Alangkahnya indahnya kalau kita sedar dahulu bahawa ada cara lebih baik daripada itu. Iaitu memohon pada Dia yang Mendengar. Tiada ragu akan dijawab. Lambat atau cepat itu sahaja perkiraannya. Sayangnya, tak ramai yang tahu:(

#I've a good time doing PCR lab today. Miss Roberta. I'm lovin' her. Teaching yang sangat jelas dan faham :)))

DAY 46:Aku ni garang ke?

Aku ni garang ke?
Seriously, I'm asking you. Am I?
Garang ke Syeikha Zulaikha ni.
Sampai nak ditakuti sangat. Tak faham betul. This Syeikha yang Happy Go Go Lucky can be classified as orang yang garang. Why?
Nak kata pernah marah orang. Memang pernah pun but with reason lah..Tapi itu pun jaranglah sangat ye Encik-encik, Puan-puan sekalian.Sangat susah untuk lihat saya marah*marah tahap gaban. Because seriously, kalau marah sekali pun I'll kept it secure dalam hati je. Only me have the privilege to know. Seal nya mempunyai probability yang sangat rendah untuk didedahkan kepada umum. That's it. Jadi saya jarang nak marah orang until certain limit dia.

Second thing, adakah ada mengatakan saya garang because anda pernah lihat muka membunuh saya. No. I mean my serious face : |
Adakah? Kalau sebab tu, ianya sangat tak wajar because dah muka aku macam tu. Nak buat macam mana?LOL lah korag ni. Serious situation mestilah tunjuk aura garang sikit bau umpphhh! Orang tak boleh buat main. Habis takkan aku nak sengih-sengih macam kerang busuk pulak. Pastu keluarlah statement yang si Syeikha ni gila *haru lagi.

Peeps,
Aku rasa aku ni tegas je tak garanglah. Some situation we need to be 'tegas' by all means. Sebab kalau tak tak jalanlah. Bila bagi arahan. I'll be tegas sikit but that doesn't mean aku ni garang tahap gigabyte..Sampai korang nak mencicit-cicit lari daripada aku.Kui..Kui...
Oh!baru perasan I'll be garang sikit to budak-budak lelaki yang I classified kan mereka-mereka yang kuat 'menganjing'. Why? Sebab kalau I buat perangai  yang ______________*isi tempat kosong. Diorang akan anggap aku ni boleh dibuat main-main. Boleh menganjing tahap nak kena bunuh. Boleh buat lawak bodoh kat aku yang paling bodoh dalam semesta. I really hate that type of guy.So..........menjadi garang adalah solutionnya. Maksud kat sini bukannya because aku garang nanti diaorang takut dengan aku.Bukan!It means that diorang akan hormat aku. Hormat. That's the choleric me to be respected by others.Faham :)

Listen!Listen!Listen!
Syeikha ni tak garang tau, tegas je :P

DAY 43: Jagalah hati

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I've been lost all this while
Tak menjaga mata sebaiknya, tak menjaga telinga seeloknya, tak memelihara mulut dengan baik.
If I can turn back back to the time. Take care of these thing wisely, there'll be no regret for me.
But now, all these sinful day that I've to face with regret that can be washed away easily.
Syeikha,
jaga mata, jaga telinga, jaga mulut.
No bad glance, no bad sound, no bad words.
Clean
I should start it all over again. I may not be the pure child without any sin but at least I can stop myself from producing one for the days ahead. All least, I can reduce the written sin in my life. For these 19 years old soul, I pray Allah would forgive me for those mistakes that I've ever made. Pray that Allah will put me as one of his beloved slave. Heaven!- I want to be there, cherishing all the moment with others :)))
Du'a for me<3
Alif-Lam-Lam-Ha,
Dengan nama Allah yang Maha Pemurah lagi, Maha Penyayang,
Hidupku, matiku, hanyalah untuk mu Allah :)))

#Ada hikmahnya menjaga. Bukan sebarang nak buat je. At least free daripada those kemaksiatan thingy right :))